Life of a Married Woman
by Backyard Bottomslash
Summary: A brief insight on the crack-ish life of the lucky luck girl who managed to claim Near as her own. AU, NearxOc family fic.


A/N: I KNOW WHAT SOME OF YOU ARE THINKING! _Ugh, I was totally hoping Backyard Bottomslash would write an MxN one-shot for Near's birthday, or at least update City of Delusion! And a family NearxOC fic totally isn't her style! What the Hell is this anyway?!_

Well you see, ever since becoming a Near fangirl my friend of 7 or 8 years Y (pen name Quarter Queen 13) has been begging me to write a fic about her married life with Near. For a long time I denied this request, believing it to be ridiculous. But during the summer the idea and all its wacky possibilites began to warm up to me, and I found myself writing it! Please note, that some of the ideas for Y and Near's children belong to Y and not me! (Although some of them do)

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**Life of a Married Woman**

**Mrs. Y River was at her happiest, riding her beloved Arabian stallion Phlertt aimlessly around the acres of land behind her English country home. She ignored the braid she wore bouncing on her back in time with Phlertt's lively canter. Instead she focused on the beautiful dark brown and black coat of her horse's hair, the way his powerful muscles rippled as she rode. **

** That is, until she spotted her dear five year old daughter running and tripping from the direction of her home, a stricken expression on her face. **

**Y redirected Phlertt, meeting with distance with her daughter Natalie. Y pulled Phlertt into a gentle halt and let Natalie catch her breath.**

**"Not-Mello got into the baking chocolate chips again and then Nathan tried to burn them. He set off the smoke alarm and now the fire department's coming!" Natalie exclaimed after she had stopped panting. **

**Y would have sworn, but she was in front her child. So instead, she face-palmed. **

**"Hop on Natalie, Phlertt's the quickest way back home!" On queue Natalie jumped up, and Y caught her and placed Natalie in front of her in the saddle. Y set Phlertt into a gallop, heading home. **

**Please allow me to explain some things during the short time-gap of Y's and Natalie's ride. Not-Mello was their family's yellow tabby cat, who in all ways defied his name. Having Not-Mello around was like having the real Mello with you, except in cat form. It was funny how Mello and Not-Mello hated each other. Nathan was the nine year old elder River child. Y adored him because he was the spitting image of his father, in looks and in deed. The only difference between father and son was that Nathan required glasses, had a strange fetish for frogs, and was a fledgling pyromaniac. **

**No, despite what it looked like to the neighbors, who were few and far away, Y and Near were not living the American dream in England, **

**Y hastily dropped Natalie outside the barn. Then put Phlertt in his stall and unsaddled him. Giving Phlertt some sugar cubes as a peace offering for not giving him a proper brush down. She and Natalie next covered the short distance between the barn and the house, running up the back porch and in through the sliding glass door. **

**The pair was greeted by the alarmed barking of their miniature poodle Noodle, who led them to the kitchen. At the sight of Y, Not-Mello hissed and gracefully leaped off the metal countertop, slinking away. **

**Y surveyed the scene. Their gas stove was still lit, burning for no reason what so ever. There were noticeable splatters of melted chocolate dripping down the wall, and also some chocolate chips on the floor that had managed to evade Nathan's ungodly wrath. In the middle of it all, sat Nathan himself, his pajamas stained with chocolate. In his hand was the pot he had used to melt the chocolate, in the other some dice. A typical scene for the River family, but one that still pissed Y off regardless. She would have a lot of cleaning up to do.**

**Before Y could even say, "Nathan Keehl River!" there was a loud knocking at the front door.**

**"Mrs. River? It's Scott and Dale." Previously addressed men were a pair of volunteer firemen who had been frequenting Y's house since Nathan's first stint with matches. **

**"Coming," Y yelled back, heading for the front door. Y let the two (possibly) gay men into her home wordlessly, having been through this procedure many times before. They looked around, made sure everything was ok, lectured Nathan about the dangers of fire, and left. Y stood in the kitchen doorway all the while, slightly furious at her son who effortlessly tuned out the sound of the firemen's drawl. **

**"Just wait until your father gets home from work!" Y snapped after Scott and Dale had left, turning off the stove with a flick of her wrist. Y would like to have grounded her son for a couple of weeks, or maybe just take away his toys, but Y knew the rules. Only her husband Near was allowed to punish the children, because Y's sheer love for them, 'clouded her judgment' as Near so typically put it. **

**Sighing, Y got out a sponge and said to Nathan, "Just go to your room and entertain yourself until daddy gets home, ok?" **

**Nathan stood up with his chocolate coated dice in hand, head bowed remorsefully. "I apologize Mother. Trying to burn the chocolate chips was not a smart decision." He said in a monotone before heading for the stairs that would eventually lead to his room. **

**As Y began to clean the kitchen of burned chocolate the sound of guitar chords choked its way through the walls. Y smiled, Natalie was only five years old and already playing the guitar like a semi-pro. It was a wonder how she did it, her hands being so small. But Y's house was full of wonders. Genius spawns only more genius, no? **

**After Y was done cleaning she sat down at the kitchen table. To think it wasn't even noon yet. God, she needed a strong black cup of coffee. Or maybe some nice fudge. Or maybe some green carrots. Or maybe… **_**All of the aforementioned forms of sustenance!

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**_

**After feeding the kids lunch, Y spent a couple of hoarse on the internet role playing. It was during this time that she received a mysterious phone call. And not just any mysterious phone call, it was a phone call from **_**me**_**, the authoress!**

**"Hey Y, how's it going?" I asked when she picked up the phone. **

**"Larz!" She squealed. "Oh my G, holy fudge I haven't heard from you in ages!" **

**I chuckled slightly. "Yeah, I recently got sucked into this novel I just started writing and Mello's job has gotten a bit stressful lately." Fangirls, please don't flame, yes I am married to Mello in this fic. **

**There was an awkward pause then, "Oh yeah, Mello's job. You never told me what he does for work!"**

**Oh shite. I couldn't just tell her that the big cheese Mafioso who had ultimate power over all the syndicates worldwide had recently kicked the bucket and that Mello had been chosen as his successor! Mello would hypothetically shoot me if I told an ordinary civilian his job! And hypothetically was almost as bad the real thing! **

**"He's a traveling care salesman." The words came from smucking nowhere at all. Like the profession of a traveling care salesmen was believable. And here I thought I was creative. **

**"Really…? What kind of car does he sell?" Y seemed suspicious, but hopefully she would soon buy into it. **

**"Erm, Audi." **

**"Hey, when we were kids didn't your mom drive an Audi convertible and say it was an outty as opposed to an inny? You, know like bellybuttons?" Typical Y, remembering something as random as that. **

**"Yeah…" I could tell this conversation was getting nowhere, so I changed the topic and jumped right into why I had called in the first place. "I hope I don't sound too pushy or anything, but may Mello and I come over for dinner? We haven't seen you guys in a while." **

**"Sure sounds great!" She said excitedly.**

**"Cool. We'll see you around six then?" **

**"Ok!" **

**"Cool. See you soon."**

**"Ok, bye!" And with that, we hung up. Y went back to her role playing happily, and I went back to my writing thinking, **_**Oh my God I just lied to my fried I've known since I was like, five or something.**_

**Some time later, Y's eyes were dry and tired from staring at the computer screen for hours on end. She walked through the halls until she reached the stairs. "Natalie, do you wanna come down and help me make dinner?" The only response was the scream of some high pitched guitar chord. Y took it as a 'no'. She would be cooking alone this afternoon. **

**Sighing, Y headed back to the kitchen which now smelled faintly of soap. Y filled a large pot with water and set it on the stove to boil. She was rummaging through the cabinets when there came a flat, expressionless call of, "Honey, I'm home." **

**Y squealed, dropped whatever she had been holding, (which clanked loudly as it hit the floor) and ran towards the mudroom to greet her husband. **

**"Oh my G, Near, hi!" She quickly kissed him twice on the lips. "Did you miss me?! I missed you lots!" **

**Near's seemingly omnipotent eyes widened slightly. He was still not entirely used to his wife's never ending hyper-ness. "Yes, I missed you."**

**"So… Did you kick criminal ass today, dear?" Y asked as she watched her husband set down his brief case and begin to take off his shoes, bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet. **

**"If you want to put it that way, then yes. Today my teem successfully captured and detained a serial pedophile." **

**"Oh I'm so happy for you!" Y exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "Come on, we can talk in the kitchen." **

**Near willingly followed Y into said kitchen. Once sure Near was off his feet, Y pitter pattered about the kitchen, looking for the pasta she needed to cook. **

**"So Nathan tried to burn chocolate chips over the stove when I was out riding Phlertt this morning, and the fire department had to come. Just thought I should let you know."**

**"I see." Not even the slightest flicker of annoyance passed over Near's face. **

**There was a silent pause, and then, "Well? Are you going to do something about it? Nathan's really starting to get on my nerves with this fire business. I mean what if he burns the house down while we're out or something?" **

**"I'll be right back." Near stood up from the table and silently left the room. This caused Y to arch an eyebrow, but then she went back to the pasta. She only had a couple hours to prepare this, meatballs, and dessert! **

**Near quietly padded up the stairs, his socked feet making little to no noise as he glided across the polished would flooring. Ignoring the, in Near's opinion, obnoxious wail of Natalie's electric guitar, he put an ear to the bathroom door. Confident his son was in there Near walked so smoothly and soundlessly to Nathan's room that, if played back in fast motion, it would have appeared that he had floated. **

**He stepped into his son's room, which was quite similar to Near's, save for the feminine touches Y had added to the master bedroom. He deftly stepped over the numerous toys littered about on the floor until he came to what he had been looking for. Nathan's latest birthday gift, a blank puzzle like the one Near had, but with less pieces. Near scooped the puzzle up in his arms and brought it to the master bedroom. Near locked the puzzle inside, triumphantly twirling the old fashioned key around his index finger. **

**Moments later Near's hands were reluctantly covered in raw meat. Y had bribed Near into helping her cook with the promise of excellent sex that night. **

**Speaking of which. If in this one-shot I am to cover the over all scope of the lifestyle of Y and Near's marriage, I cannot forget their sex life. That's an important part after all. **

**When the two lovebird's relationship became serious enough to the point of sex, Y was surprised to find out two things about Near. A.) That Near was a virgin and B.) That he knew the science of intercourse but not the slightest inkling as to how to perform it. So Y had to literally teach Near how to have sex. It a was an achievement in her life that Y was quite proud of.**

**Don't get me wrong, Y's no whore, but after all those years of role playing under a fake gender… I won't get into that. **

**After his first go at it, Near fell into a constant state of horniness. After being sexually suppressed all his life, all he wanted to do was, well, fuck Y. The funny thing was, since Near's, erm, vital organ had not been used in that manner before, there was a serious problem getting it stimulated. Let's just say it took a lot of Viagra for Near and Y to conceive two children. **

**But enough about sex, let's get to Y's delicious and possible narcotic meatballs. Wait, meatballs could be used in a dirty way… Man, I'm such a pervert. **

**Anyway, currently Near and Y were making two different kinds of chocolate mousse. The kind Y was making was the 'adult' kind what had Godiva chocolate liquor in it. Mello would love it, she was sure. Near was making the child friendly mousse. He was a symbol of justice after all, he couldn't just go around giving his underage children spiked mousse! **

**When the two were adding the finishing touches to their desserts there cam and indignant cry from the kitchen entryway. "Hey! Where's my puzzle?" It was Nathan, arms folded across his chest, the slightest of scowls gracing his face. His glasses were slightly askew from running down the stairs. **_**Oh my G, my son is sooo cute!!**_** Y thought before Nathan's words registered in her head. **

**When they did, Y shot Nathan a look that said, "WTFLMAOROFLCOPTER" Just kidding. Maybe just the WTF part, but without the expletive. That's it. The looked Y gave Nathan said, "World Taekwondo Federation"!**

**"Your puzzle is locked in the master bedroom." Said Near, taking control of the situation easily. "As punishment for the mishap with the chocolate chips this morning." **

**Nathan said nothing, instead choosing to lock his father in the grey eyes which matched his own. The two simultaneously brought their right hand to their fluffy white hair, selecting their index finger to wrap a lock of it around. Meanwhile Y's inner mind theater was hastily playing a scene where her husband and son star in an anime where they're having a detective war. **

**Slowly Nathan turned around and left the kitchen, consenting silent defeat. **

**"That was awesome Near!" Y smiled, bringing her hand up to be high-fived. However Near left her hanging, instead tilting his head slightly in confusion. **

**"What is it that Y wishes me to do?" **

** Y blinked in surprise. "You've never heard of a high-five before?" **

**"No." **

**Y huffed. "Oh my G have you lived under a rock your whole life?!" Y discontentedly put the mousse in the refrigerator, leaving Near to wonder what he had done wrong in not knowing what a high-five was. **

**It's funny how the rhetorical question of, "Have you lived under a rock your whole life?" was directed at me by my friend when she found out I hadn't known there was such a thing as cold soup. **

**But is this fic about me?! NO! Let's get back on topic, shall we? **

**Soon six o' clock was fast approaching, and dinner was all set to go. Y was occupying herself by sitting on the steps of the front porch and watching the little used road for a conspicuous looking car. Because it was my style to own a conspicuous looking car. Lo and behold a few minutes later Y spotted a sleek crimson Porsche convertible come down the road. Mello may have been driving it, but it was definitely my car. **

**"Hey, how come you guys aren't driving an Audi?" Y called jokingly as we pulled into her driveway. **

**"Audi? Why the hell would I be driving an Audi when I can easily afford more?" Mello said braggingly as he stepped out of the car, flipping his blond bob of hair. **

**Well I was screwed now. I hadn't told Mello that I told Y he was a traveling car salesman. **

**"Well you should at least get a discount because you work-" **

**"Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?" I laughed nervously, cutting off Y and stepping in front of Mello. "Here Y, I got you some fudge!" **

**Y shrieked and pounced on the box if fudge I was holding in my hands. Ripping it out of the aforementioned appendixes, Y then sat down in her driveway and began to mutter, "Fudge, fudge, fudge, fudge, fudge," Over and over again. **

**Mello gave me a look of evident disturbance. "Erm, Larz, is she a fudge worshipper?" Mello asked, most likely reminded of B and his strawberry jam. **

**"It's a possibility. C'mon Mello, let's get her inside." Together Mello and I hoisted her up the porch and into her house.**

**When we got her into the living room we put Y on the couch. Mello plopped himself down in an armchair. I stayed standing, studying my friend who seemed to be in a fudge induced state of catatonia. I impulsively lashed out, grabbing the fudge from her hands.**

**"Hey, how'd I get in the living room?" Y was looking around, confused. I face-palmed, cursing myself for not expecting this. **

**"Oh… You know… By walking." I filled in. Sliding in to an armchair next to Mello, I slyly slipped the box of fudge behind his chair. I would let Y find it on her own time. **

**Just then Near came in from… whichever room he had been in before, I couldn't really tell. **

**Mello's head shot in the younger man's direction. "Near."**

**"Mello." **

**Cerulean eyes met grey in an epic stare-down. There were a few moments of tense silence. Mine and Y's gazed flicked systematically back from Mello to Near, wondering what on earth would happen next. **

**"You blinked, Mello."**

**"**_**Shit!**_**" **

**Mello stood up from his armchair and the two met in a manly bear hug. Or rather, they met in some awkward movement that could be considered something of a hug. **

**I squealed in delight. Even after marrying Mello I was still a huge MelloxNear fan. I even still wrote fanfiction for the pairing! Mello however, thought it was some form of treason and blasphemy against out marriage. So when the Mello comes home the fanfiction goes away and the novel comes out. **

**Back in the present Y flicked me upside the head, she like Mello did not appreciate my fantasizing. **

**"Hey!" I said. "That wasn't cool!"**

**"You should have blocked!" Mocked Y, clearly amused at my annoyance. **

**"Hey, if you wanna spar with me you can!" I reputed, smiling to myself. My inner mind theater was playing a video of Y attempting perform, and failing, at performing Taekwondo. **

**"Oh my God, hi Auntie Larz!" Natalie, upon seeing me, had ran across the room and flung herself at me. **

**"That's oh my G to you, missy…" Y muttered under her breath. **

**"Hey Natalie," I said, ruffling her long pale hair. "How's my favorite niece?" **

**"I'm your **_**only**_** niece, silly!" she said, giggling as she hugged her Uncle Mello. I raised an eyebrow at my sexy leather wearing blond as Natalie plopped herself, uninvited, in Mello's lap. Mello threw me a look that said he would tolerate it, but nothing more. **

**"Oh, Natalie I got something for you!" From my handy-dandy canvas Domo bag I pulled out the two gifts I had gotten her. "For you, mon chérie, I have purchased the music book for Green Day's **_**21**__**st**__** Century Breakdown**_**. Which I assure you, does have the guitar chords." The small child gasped and took the nice smelling book in her hands so delicately as if it were made of glass. "And the pre-published copy of the newest **_**Night School**_** book!" Natalie grew eerily silent as she read the summary on the back of the book. Knowing how much she liked my writing, she would be done reading it by tomorrow night, if not earlier. **

**By the way, let me remind you that both of Y's children turned out to be geniuses, so it's perfectly ordinary for Natalie to be reading a teen novel. In fact, both Nathan and Natalie also read adult books. They all knew the ins and outs if sex, drugs, and murder. How Nathan's teachers hated him, and how they would hate Natalie when she entered first grade. **

**Soon we all had struck up some sort of conversation, and were in the middle of chit-chatting when Nathan appeared, mouth set in a firm expressionless line. He looked like a combination of Muto from **_**Princess Tutu**_** and Yuki Nagato from **_**The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya**_**.**

**"Hello Aunt Larz, Uncle Mello." Without another word he soundlessly sat down in the remaining chair. He seemed normal enough, but I knew he was up to something. The right side of Nathan's mouth kept twitching up and down like he was trying to hold in laughter. I ignored it, putting the suspicion in the more lonesome of the dark corners of my mind. **

**"Here Nathan, I got you this." From my seemingly bottomless Domo bag I retrieved a small bundle of fireworks. Nathan's eyes glossed over as he gingerly took the fireworks in his hands. A sense of fright came over Y as a slightly maniacal smile came over my face.**

**"Larz," Near interjected sharply. "You know I don't appreciate it when you endorse Nathan's… less beneficial hobbies." **

**I frowned. "Aw, come on Near the kids need to live a little."**

**Near reached over and swiped the fireworks from Nathan, whose face visibly fell. "Living does not include burning the house down, I think." **

**I stuck out my tongue at him. **

**I felt Mello's arm slide around my waist. "Come on Larz," he whispered in my ear. "We can always smuggle him the fireworks later." **

**"True, true." I said chuckling, giving him a quick kiss. **

**"Are you guys talking about something dirty~?" Natalie asked, waggling her finger. Y burst into laughter, and Near looked mortified. Stupid five year old innocence that wasn't quite innocent. **

**"O-of course not!" Mello stammered, a light blush dusting his cheeks. Unlike Near, I turned Mello on as easily as Mikami could yell, "SAKUJO!" It all started when I wore chocolate flavored lip gloss to our first date… **

**"Let's eat!" Y exclaimed jubilantly, breaking my train of thought. **

**We all shuffled in to the dining room. Mello and Near sat at the heads of the table, Y and I at out respective husband's rights. Natalie sat between Y and I, and Nathan between Near and Mello. **

**Before we could even toast, Not-Mello entered the room. "There's that piss-ant of a cat!" Mello snarled, clenching one hand and the other gripping his fork tighter then need be. **

**In response, Not-Mello yowled something that easily resembled a way cry before launching himself at Mello's face. There was a scramble between cat and human before Mello had him pinned to the table, knife pointed at the tabby's throat. There were a few angry red scratches running down Mello's cheek from Not-Mello's unsheathed claws. There were tuffs of Not-Mello's bright yellow fur floating to the ground or table that had been torn out. **

**"I. Hate. You. Stupid. Fucking. Cat." Mello spat between clenched teeth. **

**Personally I was disgusted by any form of animal cruelty, so I looked up at Mello, hoping applied the right amount of makeup to make my eyes look large and doe-like, and said in a choked voice, "Mello, please. I know you don't like the cat but…" my words trialed off. Bringing a picture of Beyond Birthday setting fire to himself to the front of my mind quickly brought tears to my eyes. Yay acting! **

**"Sorry, sugar." Mello released his death-grip on Not-Mello, who spat at the real Mello one last time before leaving the room. **

**We then tucked into Y's homemade spaghetti and meatballs. Spaghs, spaghs… What a funny word! Gee, I sure can make myself laugh easily. Everyone else is staring at me like I'm crazy! **

**At some point I noticed Mello was poking around oddly at his bowl of noodles. "Something wrong?" I asked softly, touching a gentle finger to his hand lightly. **

**"Nothing, it's just-" Mello muttered. His fork then pierced something that made a loud squelching noise. Mello visibly paled, and all heads turned to him. He brought his fork up from the depths of his pasta to reveal-**

**"Why… the Hell is there a dead frog in my food?" Mello asked in a faint voice. Oh no, knowing Mello this was the calm before the storm. **

**"I see that it has died." Nathan set down his fork. **

**"Excuse me?!" Y said shrilly. "Why **_**is**_** there a dead frog in Mello's spaghetti?" **

**"You see everyone," Nathan began quietly. "This evening soon after Aunt Larz and Uncle Mello arrived, I conducted an experiment. Mainly to see if a frog smothered in pasta would die. I see now that my hypothesis was indeed correct."**

**Mello pried the dead frog off his fork with a disgusted look on his face. In the awkward silence Y took the deceased frog off the table to feed to Noodle, who was quite pleased. Mello, however appeared to be in a slight state of shock. He stayed silent through the rest of the meal and ate robotically, even when the delectable, (and spiked, in the adult's case) chocolate mousse was served. I wasn't particularly worried about it. Mello's state was nothing that one of those hallucinogenic worms at the bottom of a tequila bottle and a good blow job couldn't fix. **

**The rest of the dinner went normally, excluding Mello's silence of course. We talked about things an ordinary family would talk about, school, business, and such matters of the like. **

**Soon it was getting late and the kids were getting tied, it was time to go. We said our goodbyes and I drove Mello and me home, blasting Muse music all the while. **

**Y put the kids to bed, then joined Near in the master bedroom for that wild night of sex she had promised Near in exchange for helping her cook.**

**And tomorrow, she would do it all over again. Thank God it would be Monday.

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**A/N: Well Y, I hope you enjoyed this fic, even though I didn't get to write about all the details in your notes! I also would like to apologize to my City of Delusion fans who have read this, I know I left you guys with a cliffhanger and then prolonged the wait by writing this!

For anyone who cares, the _Night School_ series that is written by me in the fic is actually the title of a novel I'm writing, which will turn into a series if it gets published! It's also another reason of why my updates have been slowing down lately... -_-


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